At around 2:15am on Monday morning, Reese Witherspoon baffled the media and several Brooklyn residents when she held a surprise press conference at the platform of the Halsey stop on the J train in Brooklyn’s Bushwick neighborhood. Hundreds of reporters and several members of the Blue Man Group (whom Reese personally invited) gathered after she tweeted this message a couple hours prior:
“I was like, is this for real?” said Skyler, a 23-year-old “multi-media artist” who prefers to call the neighborhood East Williamsburg. “I saw that it was like her actual verified twitter account and I live right over there so I was like, ‘yeah I’ll check it out, I don’t have to be at work till four tomorrow.’ I work at Beacon’s Closet but I hate it. I’m going back to SVA in the fall, this is the year I’m getting all my shit together.”
Ms. Witherspoon lived up to her promise and showed up to the conference at exactly 2:05am (fashionably late) looking very “tired” and angry. It took several members of Ms. Witherspoon’s party to help her up the stairs to the platform as she seemed to have difficulty staying balanced. She then pulled a loudspeaker from her purse and let out a couple hiccups into it before she started ranting.
“You guys, quiet!! Everybody!! You guys! Don’t go to Lenny’s!!! Worst sandwiches EVER! They just– I mean– they make them and then they sit there ALL day and they don’t even care about the customer is always right! They don’t even care– they don’t even know about it!! I just ate there! It was so gross! I spit it out RIGHT after I took a bite, if I swallowed it– prob’ly would have got food poisoning! I’m not kidding you guys, they don’t take care of the sandwiches! The customer should always be right! ALWAYS be right! DON’T GO TO LENNY’S! Worst sandwich of my life!”
A member of the crowd spoke up and tried to explain to her that Lenny’s always gives you the option of having sandwiches made fresh-to-order, but this only seemed to confuse Reese.
“Huhh?!” She replied to him. “You’re not even– you can’t say anything! You can’t say that when you don’t know! Were you just there? No!”
Ms. Witherspoon then collapsed into the arms of one of the Blue Man Group performers who carried her down to her SUV which presumably took her home. Neither Reese nor her representatives have made any further comment about the impromptu conference. Six men were shot and killed during the incident.