January 7, 2009
Well go ahead and tell your friends; I can’t sleep!
Oprah advises not to stress or feel guilty if you can’t sleep because that will only make you more awake. Oprah also has an eating disorder and a creepy boyfriend.
I’ve been trying to invent my own remedies for sleeplessness. They’ve included:
1. Imagining that I’m watching myself sleep (I doubted this would work and I was right. But I’m not ashamed to say that this made me horny).
2. Holding my breath (I’m not ashamed to say that this only made me horny too).
3. Writing colorful adjectives on my forearms and considering what else the moon might be made of (and now YOU’RE probably horny).
You know what ELSE doesn’t make me sleep?
All beasts of burden scare the SHIT out of me, but buffalo are the worst BY FAR. There’s no childhood trauma involved. They’re just god-awful creatures.
“I remember sleepless nights and hating buffalo so much I could cry.”
That’s how I’ll open my memoirs.